My thoughts are merely ink drying slowly on a page of some random book, on some random shelf, of some random store to most & meaning even less to those unsuspecting passerby's. However, to me they are words that express my thoughts, feelings, emotion, places, people and things I have lived through and experienced throughout my life. They dry ever so slowly on the pages of my soul, slowly writing the story of my life & the rest of it all. So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving. I am on the journey of finding myself amidst the rain. I have felt for quite sometime that I have managed to live a life filled with so much pain a heartache that most would not begin to phantom. I have weathered so many storms so gracefully that maybe by doing so or rather by doing what is "right" and keeping the faith n' hope alive that it might just earn me "my rainbow." I want so very much to be writing a blog telling the world just how wonderful, special, great, and amazing my life is, has been, and will continue to be. However, my life in in such disarray these days. There is not one aspect of my life that is untouched. My life has been for quite sometime now felt like that of the drain of my shower or that of my good ol' toilet bowel. I seem like a walking contradiction in terms. I give wonderful advice to my friends which seems to work so flawlessly for them (when they follow them of course.) However, I can't seem to find any words of wisdom for myself when it comes to my own problems. I can't seem to see the forest through the trees. I try, truly I do to be the best me that I can be at all times. I always try to do what's right, what's tried and true…..n' just what has that earned me? Please do not get me wrong my motivations are not for personal gain alone. I do and treat others "right" because, it is what we are taught is "right." There are times when I feel like I am so tired of being the bigger person……..walking away and even going as far as apologizing for things I may or may not have even done only to make amends or make things right. However, who has ever done this for me. I seemingly take on the weight of the world. I wish I could find that peaceful balance of being true to who I am and always doing what's right, but also not allowing people to walk all over me. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me………... I treat others at all times as I myself would want to be treated. So why is it others can't seem to find it in themselves to do the same? Why is it I constantly feel like trash set out on the curb to be taken off when those around me are done using me (for whatever reasons, whether on purpose or by mere circumstance.) I understand that I cannot control others and that is one thing I would wish not to ever do. However, it kills me why others choose to lie to themselves much less to those around them. Why it is that people choose to hide for themselves and their true feelings n' emotions. Do "they" not realize that the truth always seems to find it's way home again and when it does it is much better to be honest then to be held in the web of lies. That the web that "they (the liars of self)" weave rarely ever only effects just themselves. I recently met a woman whom I adore so very much……she is someone although she feels so lost in the world, is the only one person in my life that I have EVER met that is honest to a fault. I love how she handles not only me, our differences, but also bad situations. We were never meant for one another in the ways of romance however, instead we were brought together for everlasting friendship. I will hold her dear to my heart for a lifetime…..she may not even know that this is how I feel, but I hold her close to my heart and will until I drawl my last breath as my closest friend. I am so glad to of met someone else that feels she owes the world her honesty as I do. It is so nice to meet alike souls. I was truly starting to loose faith that there weren't others out there like me. Everything in every area of my life feels as if it is just falling deeper down the drain. I much like everyone else want a life filled with hope, laughter, special tender moments, & filled with true love. I much like that of others wish and hope to find happiness somewhere down the broken road. I could crash and burn but maybe, at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. However, at age 28 and only a few short years left until I am 30 my faith is starting to wear thin. I feel as though if somehow life is slipping through my fingertips. I try so very hard to hold on to just keep my head up because the light at the end of the tunnel is just around the bend, but yet it still eludes me. This could break my heart or save me. I feel so completely numb these days. I am not really sure where to start or even how to feel at this point. All I do know is……... I only hope to one day find a true love who will love me enough to always be honest with me, to themselves and to the world around them in much the same way as I try to do. I am on the constant search for true friends and a true love whom add to my emotional bank and not only make constant withdrawals. Do you know of anyone like that?
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