☆ EMS Funnies ☆

1. Skin sign tells all.
2. Truly sick people don't complain.
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round; any variation on this is a bad thing.
4. The more equipment you see on an EMT's belt, the newer they are.
5. If you drop the baby, pick it up.
6. When dealing with patients/supervisors/citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
7. All bleeding stops...eventually.
8. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
9. If the child is quiet, be scared.
10. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
11. If someone dies by chemical hazards/electrical shock/other on-scene danger, it should be the patient, not you.
12. There will be problems.
13. You can't cure stupid.
14. Somethings only a good autopsy will cure.
15. If it's wet and sticky, and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!
16. Heaven protects fools and drunks.
17. The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
18. Paramedics save lives, but it's EMT skills that save Paramedics.
19. If a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the bystanders that wouldn't back up.
20. If you don't have it, don't give up. Improvise, Adapt, Overcome, then call for a 2nd unit.
21. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, someone is missing.
22. If it's stupid but it works, then it ain't stupid.
23. The important things are alway simple, and the simple things are always hard.
24. When it comes to needles, 'tis better to give than to receive.
25. Most of your patients are healthier than you.
26. The address is never clearly marked.
27. Asystole is a very stable rhythm.


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1. If the patient looks sick, then the patient is sick
2. If the patient is sitting up and talking to you, then they are not in V-Fib, no matter what the monitor says.
3. Patients that crash in separate vehicles should be transported in separate vehicles.
4. Just because someone is fully immobilized doesn't mean they can't be violent
5. Always know when to get out of Dodge
6. Always know how to get out of Dodge
7. Don't go into Dodge without the Marshall
8. Always answer a newbie's question (you asked them once, too)
9. Always honor a threat
10. When responding to a call, remember your ambulance was built by the lowest bidder.
11. Pain never killed anyone
12. All fevers eventually fall to room temperature
13. Training is learning the rules, experience is learning the exceptions
14. The god "Motorola" desires sacrifices of hot food at least once a shift
15. The stereo must always be louder than the siren
16. The lights flash and the siren yells, but nothing to get rid of this putrid smell
17. Always assume that any physician on scene is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise, except during a OB/GYN call...then they're a Podiatrist.


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1. There is no such thing as a "textbook" case
2. Just because someone's license date is before yours doesn't mean they know what they're doing
3. Turrent mounted machine guns would work better than lights or sirens.
4. Sometimes it's easier to beg forgiveness than get permission
5. They said, "Smile, things could be worse." So we smiled, and sure enough, things got worse.
6. EMT's are taught the man with the gun is the man in charge (law enforcement). WRONG! When the fire department is on scene, the man with the nozzle is the man in charge. That charged hose will send you farther down the street and hurt more before the cop even begins to think about shooting you.
7. PVC's can be eliminated by sending a strip to the hospital.
8. Simple ETOH test: Hold your hands about 6 inches apart with the thumb and index fingers touching. Then ask the patient what color is the string you are holding. If they indicate a color, it is a positive test.
9. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
10. No matter how bad the politics get, the doors go up and the trucks go out.
11. If the patient has been moved by the family, they will have moved them so that climbing stairs will be involved.


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The Law of Gravity:

Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The Law of Random Syncronicity:

Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

The Gross Injury Law:

Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.

The First Law of Ambulance Operations:

No matter how fast you drive the ambulance to a call, it will never be fast enough; until you pass a police cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Exception: When you are responding to an "officer down" call, then it is physically impossible to be traveling fast enough!


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The Basic Principle for Dispatchers:

Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.

The Basic Principle for Field Personnel:

Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.

The Law of Options:

Any patient, when given the option of either going to jail or going to the hospital by a police officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are.

Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to jail instead of the hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.


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Don't forget the Rule of Threes:

3:00 AM
300 pound patient
3 flights of stairs


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The Rules of Bathrooms

1. If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a bathroom.
2. If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received.
3. If you have not gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it.
4. The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom.

The Law of Space

The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space available to work on the patient.

EMS Relativity

The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.

The Theory of Weight

The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the number of floors which must be ascended and descend while carrying the patient.

Corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.
Corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken and the lights in the stairwell are out.


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The Rule of Warning Devices (This one's for you, SafetyPro)

Any ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to the hospital, with lights and siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.

Corollary 1: Ambulance sirens cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.
Corollary 2: Ambulance lights cause acute and total, but transient, blindness.

Note: This rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.

The Rule of Bystanders

Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Law of EMS Educators

Those who can't do, teach.

The Law of EMS Evaluators

Those who can't do or teach, evaluate.

The Law of Light

As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

The Rule of Pregnancy

All females between the ages of 6 and 106 are pregnant until proven otherwise.


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Never bring an ambulance to a gunfight until it's over.

Calls would be more fun it we had music in the background like in the movies.

"We don't deserve to be called heroes; but we don't deserve to be vomited on either." Steve Berry

and my all time favorite -

"You're supposed to say CLEAR, damn it!!!"


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Trauma is treated with high-flow diesel first.

If you ever find law enforcement out on the front lawn laughing, WORRY.

Upon arrival at a code, check your own pulse first; if it is still there, everything else is easy.

There will be no dying or multiplying in the back of my ambulance. Death and birth happen on scene or at the hospital.

When in doubt, remember the patient is sick and your ambulance has wheels...USE THEM!

It's not our emergency, it's the patient's.

If you patient is violent, you can always use O2 Therapy (an O2 bottle across the head usually calms them down).

You should always stop CPR after the second, "Ouch!" from your patient.

Supervisors become that because they won't be missed in the field.


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* ABC - Airway, Bury 'em, Call the florist (If you don't do the first, you WILL be doing the other two)

* ABC - Airway, Billing, Collections

* ADASTW - Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way

* AHF - Acute Hissy Fit

* AMF-YOYO - Adios Mother F*****, You're On Your Own

* AQR - Ain't Quite Right

* ART - Assuming Room Temperature

*FDGB - Fall Down Go Boom

*ABC's - Airway, Breathing, Cancel ALS

*FUBAR - F***ed Up Beyond Recognition

*DRT - Dead Right There

* BART - Body Assuming Room Temperature

* BMW - B****, Moan, Whine

* CATS - Cut All To S***

* CC - Cancel Christmas

* CCFCCP - Coo Coo For Cocoa Puffs

* CHAOS - Chief Has Arrived On Scene

* CPR - Can't Possibly Recover

* CPR - Check Pockets and Run

* CTD - Circling The Drain

*UBFL: Un-be-f*&%ing-lievable

*GOMER - Get Out Of My Emergency Room

* ALS - Absolute Loss of Sense

* DFO - Done Fell Out

* DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A F***

* DOB - Dead On Bed

* DOG - Dead On Ground

* DND - Darn Near Dead

* DPS - Dumb Parent Syndrome

* DRTY - Dead Right There...Yesterday

* DWPA - Dead With Paramedic Assistance

* EMS - Early Morning Shuttle

* EMS - Earn Money Sleeping

* EMS - Extra Marital Sex

* EMT - Empty Minded Troll

* EMT - Every Menial Task

* EMT - Eggcrate Mattress Technician

* EMT - Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies

* EMT - Emergency Medical Taxi

* EMT - Extra Man on Truck

* FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way

* FOGD - Found On Ground Dead

* FTD - Fixin' To Die

* FUB - Found Under Bridge

* FUC - Found Under Car

* GMC - Groan, Moan, Complain

* GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed

* HIBGIA - Had It Before, Got It Again

* HVLT - High Velocity Lead Therapy

* KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid

* LOLFDGB - Little Old Lady Fall Down, Go Boom

* LOLFOL - Little Old Lady Fell On Floor

* LOLLOL - Little Old Lady Laying On Linoleum

* LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Apparent Distress

* MAD - Met At Door

* MARS - Met At Road with Suitcase

* MUH - Mess* NLPR - No Longer Playing Records

* PBAB - Pine Box At Bedside

* PBS - Pretty Bad Shape

* PCL - Pre Code Looking

* PEFYC - Pre Extricated For Your Convenience (through the windshield)

* PPA - Practicing Professional Alcoholic

* PSO - Passed Smooth Out

* PUHA - Pick Up, Haul Ass

* RTC - Ready To Croak

* SIO - Sleeping It Off

* SPW - Sucking Pond Watered Up Heart

* TADB - Temporarily Animated Dead Body

* TBC - Total Body Crunch

* TLC - Tube, Lavage, Charcoal

* TLC - Thorazine, Lorazepam, Compazine

* TMB - Too Many Birthdays

* TSL - Too Stupid to Live

* WABC - Wallet, Airway, Breathing, Circulation

* WADAO - Weak And Dizzy All Over

* WUD - Woke Up Dead

* BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again

* ODTAA - One D*** Thing After Another

* NPS - New Parent Syndrome

* SNAFU - Situation Normal, All F***** Up

* TARFU - Things Are Really F***** Up

* ABC - Ambulate Before Carry

* OFD - Obviously F****** Dead

*DFO - Done Fell Out

*EMD - Early Morning Discovery (woke up dead)

*TVR - CPR performed on television, usually involves improper technique and miraculous results.

*ABC - Ambulance Before Cruiser (at least, from PD point of view)

*B.L.E.V.E - Blast Levels Everything, Volunteers Everywhere

*ACR- Another Court Report

*AIDS - Ambulance Induced Divorce Syndrome

*ALS- Another Life Saved

*ALS - Another Life Stilled

*ALS - Ain't Liftin' S***

*BLS- Bring Long Splints

*BLS - Be Liftin' :censored::censored::censored::censored:

*BVM- Big Vomit Magnet

*DCAP-BTLS - Disheartened Crazy Ambulance Paramedic Broke Trainees Lumbar Spine

*EMS- Every Min Sucks

*EMT- Emergency Moron Tech

*EMT-D – Every Menial Task Dips***

*EMT-P – Every Menial Task w/Privileges

*ETI – Enough Talking, Insert

*NREMT- Never Remembered Every Menial Task

*NREMT-B - Never Really Exciting, Maybe Trucking's Better

*OPQRST - Omniscient Paramedic Quickly Reinserted Shifted Tube

*SAMPLE - Summoned Ambulance, My Prescription Lapsed Earlier

*POBIGTU - Pull over bob i'm gonna throw up

*Whiskey Tango" (WT) for White trash...

*EMS : Eat More Snacks

*EMS : Every Marriage Suffers

*EMS : Eat More S**t - if you always eat at Fast Food Joints

*EMS : Earn Money Suffering

*ALSOB : Alcohol Like Substance On Breath

*GOMA : Get out of my ambulance

*GOMER : Get out of my E.R.

*SPODA : stuff that ain't spoda be there

*MUH : messed up heart

*PBS : pretty bad shape

*PCL : pre-code looking

*HIBGIA : had it before, got it again

*FLB : Funny Little Beat - Term used by mostly non-ACLS-Qualified individuals to define something they do not recognize on the monitor (a-fib, multi focal PVC's, motion artifact)

*PUD- Pushing Up Daisies

*ART- Assuming Room Temperature

*ABC- Ambulate before carry

*EDP- Emotionally Disturbed person

*DWE- Driving while Elderly

*PITA- Pain In The Ass

*DBPA- Death By Paramedic Assistance

*LPN- Little pretend nurse

*DWE- Driving while Elderly

*PITA- Pain In The Ass

*AMR-Ain't My Responsibility

*Care-Cant Always Remember Everything

*Star-Scary Taking a Ride


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I thought FUBAR was ":censored::censored::censored::censored:ed Up Beyond All Repair" (which is equally appropriate).

Here are some good definitions from JEMS:
Words That Should Be in the EMS Dictionary But Aren't

JACOBS syndrome (Just A Couple Of BeerS): acronym. A syndrome in which the patient, despite apparent intoxication, will admit to only two beers.

LOL: acronym. Lonely old lady. Used to describe an elderly female patient who just wants to chat en route to the hospital, and the first thing she says upon arrival in the ED is, "What's for lunch today?"

Spoozing: adj. Used to describe a condition in which you have a combination arterial (spurting) and venous (oozing) bleed.

Smashing pumpkins: n. Originally used to describe rock climbers who take a grounder fall to their head without a helmet, but more recently applied to any participant of an extreme sport who accomplishes the same type of impact. (Term taken from the name of a popular American rock group).

Atrial flubberation: n. Supra ventricular rhythm that fluctuates between atrial fibrillation and flutter. In the past, this rhythm was referred to as "fib/flutter."

Manikin-American: n. The politically correct term to refer to a dummy used for CPR practice.

Drama alert: n. Any minor complaint that is exacerbated by numerous family members/friends believing it to be life-threatening (aka the infamous stubbed toe call). Usually results in having a hysterical patient on your hands.

Organ donor: n. A motorcyclist who rides without wearing a helmet.

Donor-cycle: n. Any combination of motorcycle and rider in which the motorcycle has an engine larger and/or more powerful than the rider's brain.

Insuranceitis: n. A condition that develops following an MVC in which there is no damage to the involved vehicles, but at least two people complain of neck pain. Clear the call as insuranceitis, BS performed.

Slot Shock: n. A cardiac condition that results from spending too many hours sitting and playing the slot machine without food and too much to drink. The resulting syncope from acute hypo perfusion occurs immediately after the victim stands up to go to the restroom.

Air bag: n. A child riding in a car's front seat on someone's lap.

Code 3 hypnosis: n. A distortion of all reality in which an emergency vehicle approaches an unsuspecting driver, causing a lack in common judgment and producing a failure to move to the right to allow said emergency vehicle to pass, creating a subsequent barrier for the EMS personnel to proceed around on their run.

O.D.—Oblivious Driver: n. The driver in front of you who doesn't, or pretends not to, see or hear the big box with flashing lights and yelping siren approaching from behind them.

I.D.—Ignorant Driver: n. The driver who stops their car right in front of the ambulance bay driveway as soon as they see or hear the big box with flashing lights and siren.

STEM: n. A coworker who obviously possesses only the rudimentary brain functions necessary to sustain life. They are state-certified and nationally registered but you can never figure out how they make it to work and keep from getting killed in 24 hours. Usage: That guy's a real STEM! Synonym: Air Thief.

Drunkicidal: adj. Used to describe a patient whose desire to kill himself goes away as the EtOH level falls.

Incarceritis: n. Any complaint that mysteriously presents when the patient discovers they're about to be in custody.

Miranda angina: n. Chest pain (or other complaint) generally precipitated by the likelihood of patient's imminent placement into custody. Also associated with acute allergy to handcuffs. Give care per your local protocols as for other kinds of chest pain. Anticipate post-discharge follow-up care in a long-term facility.

Tachylordy: n. A serious patient condition categorized by rapid (greater than 100 lordys/min) and repeated calls for intervention by a higher power. Can result in headache and shortness of breath. "Ohhhhh lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy." [Related: Bradylordy: n. A serious condition categorized by exceedingly slow (less than 40 lordys/min) and often loud calls for intervention by a higher power. "OHHHHHH looorrrrdddyy, looooorrrrrrddddyyyyy!!!!!!"]

Mister Gadget: n. The EMT/paramedic/firefighter who just happens to own every piece of EMT/fire-related gadgetry available from Gall's cataloge. Mister Gadget can be beneficial in a multi-jurisdictional/multi-problematic event because he does possess all the equipment that would be necessary to run the Incident Command from his POV.

LOLFDGB (Little Old Lady-Fall Down Go Boom): n. Typical EMS call to a nursing home.

Smurf: n. A patient exhibiting obvious cyanosis.

Dyspatcher: The voice on the radio responsible for crossed trucks, inaccurate information and addresses, etc. (It's all in fun.)

DWPA (Died with Paramedic Assistance): n. Used to describe those patients who, in spite of our best efforts, gallons of drugs and lots of joules, go ahead and die anyway. Haven't they heard of the miracles of modern EMS?

MAGGOT: n. An acronym meaning "Medically Able to Go Get Other Transportation."

CPR (Chest Play Recreation): n. An activity that combines mouth-to-mouth "recreation" and chest massage.

Nebulous-izer: n. A patient who recites their life history and won't come to the point when we just ask a simple yes/no question.

Circling the Drain: v. Used when one is on the way out, but just hasn't gone down yet. Can be used interchangeably with "agonal," " PEA" and other words describing " near the end" scenarios.

GDRS adj. Gonna Die Real Soon. Usually used for patients with a sudden illness or injury that will take them to their maker, despite any actions of EMS or hospital professionals.

ECU n. Eternal Care Unit. Where a patient goes after they die.

T.I.S. (transient illness syndrome) n. This occurs when your frequent flier patient's illness changes several times en route to the ED. Tends to occur around the first of the month and full moons.

Ambuslap (am-bew-slap) n. The annoying habit of police officers, firefighters or other personnel who, after you've loaded the patient and cot in the rig, will helpfully close the rear door of the ambulance and slap it twice to let whoever is driving know that it's OK to pull out. (Of course, the driver of the rig is either listening to dispatch or what's going on in the back and rarely, if ever, can hear/feel the two slaps.)

Yabberious Radious (yab-air-e-us ray-de-us) n. The "Greek" EMS term for the person that simply cannot live without being heard via field communications devices (i.e., portable radios, mobile radios or a two-way phone direct connect. Usually, this person carries all of these at once).

Obsculate (OB-skyoo-layt) v. To obtain a blood pressure by simply observing the patient ("um … 126/80); method used by pre-hospital personnel who have forgotten why they are doing what they do.

bluid (BLOO-id) n. a combination of blood and fluid (as in CSF) observed in the ears in head injuries.

ambudextrous (am-bu-DEX-trus) adj. having the rare ability to operate a bag-valve mask while using only one hand (not to be confused with ambidextrose, a syrupy medication that can be injected using either hand).

Low-carb: adj. Describes a patient who has a blood sugar of 60 mg/dL or less.

HONDA: acronym. Hypertensive, Obese, Non-compliant, Diabetic Adult.


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I wish I could take credit for these, however I can't if you want to see more of these funnies check them out at the below link: http://www.emtlife.com/archive/index.php/f-22.html


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