☆ BBrown ☆

Check back some other time........this one will take me a few to find the words deep within my heart n' soul.


I still have so much to say,but I need time to make more sense of it all..........












My Dearest Becky,



How does one even begin to express the gravity of all they have felt and still feel for another. Where does one find adequate words in which to express what is that one special person in their life meant to them no matter how brief their stay was. Becky, in this letter I will attempt to graze just the top of the mountain of my heart and barely peek down in to the valleys of my soul. I will attempt to express and place all of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions in a nice neat package for you to best understand how it is I see you and feel for you. I guess the only way to see the gravity of all that I still feel and for you to best understand it all is if I sit down and pour out soul on a page. I want you to understand that it is of no consequence if you ever read this or not. I only hope that you care enough to check in on my from time to time to see how I am even if you don't ever utter another words to me for the remainder of my days on this earth. I know if you were to read it at first you may feel anger or hurt, because I know just how private you are and how you don't like for your dirty laundry to be hung out to dry on the front steps……..but I hope you will be able to look past that and see that this is cathartic for me. This letter is necessary for not only my healing, but yours as well. So I must admit that this one will be quite long so please do take a moment get another cup o' joe and settle in. Hopefully this letter will give you some insight on what it is I truly think and how I feel about things in general.


Do you remember my first major letter to you…………….? Did it mean to you what it did to me? Just in case you can't remember I am going to paste the bulk of it here so you can re-read it and see not much has changed:



So let me start off by saying I hope you are enjoying your AA meeting as I write this letter. Hopefully your meeting brought something new to you. Maybe you discovered something about yourself through the stories of the others. I have to say that I am completely blown away by your persistence and determination that you have displayed with your commitment to your sobriety. I am completely amazed with your commitment to finding yourself through all of this.

I must agree with you; I too find the human psyche very fascinating. People in general are quiet fascinating. I love to go to the local coffee house or book store; partake of my favorite coffee, take a seat at a quiet table just out of the way, sit back and just watch how those who pass me by interact with the environment and those around them. Humans by nature are quiet interesting all in themselves. It is interesting to sit back and take note of the body languages, tones of voice, & reflections between two people.

I am not sure most people have learned to hide their authentic selves behind the mask of self preservation. I am not sure that most people even know or are aware of their authentic self. It takes most a lifetime to learn what we (both you and I) already know. I believe even you, yourself are having difficulties with this one. Although, I am not sure why. I can see you do have a strong sense of self. You have only taken a few detours as we all have. Sometimes in life it seems we know the paths we are to take, yet we seek new landscapes. Often we have to take detours to confirm to our authentic selves that we were on the right path to begin with. However, I feel you should never equate your authentic self with your current state of mind or current state of affairs. Your authentic self should never be placed in the same category with that of your relationships. Relationships should never make you doubt your true self either, as they should only be a celebration of them. I think you may be doubting yourself or feel you are hiding behind the masks of self preservation, when you should be celebrating them. All of these adversities' make us who we are today; they mold us into who we were meant to be. These adversities' teach us about ourselves. One should never self preserve; by self preserving we make those around us work hard or rather prove to us their worthiness of the true unmasked "us." This I ask you; is that fair? Who are we to place ourselves in a category making us more important than those who are trying to get in. Now don't get me wrong, I so very much understand that many of us have been hurt in the past and we must guard ourselves from those who could hurt us in the future. Hopefully………I give you a sense of home; a sense that I would never hurt you or anyone else for that matter on purpose or with malice.

I am much like you in the way of peeling away the layers like that of an onion. All to often people push me away, bc I help them discover truths that even they didn't know they show the world; much less that they even wanted to discover yet themselves. Most are scared of the truth, were I try to always embrace it. I would rather the bold hard unpleasant truth over a lavish lie any day. Most are not ready for their journey and who am I to push them to embark. When they are ready they will set sail. Emotional intimacy is and can be very intense. Many can not differentiate between the words of the brain and the feeling of the soul. Can you?

As far as you getting back on the proverbial horse…..take your time. You will know when you are ready and when you find the "right one." Who knows you may have already met her……you just never know; she could have been the one that stood in the front of the line at the grocery store, or maybe she is the one who sat a few rows ahead of you in the theater, or maybe the one you passed yesterday in the restaurant, or even the one in which is copulating this e-mail….. You just never know, thus you must always be aware, open, and ready. I am not sure why I have so much faith in that, but I do. So are you ready?

When you speak of being misunderstood and being seen through others "filters" are you sure it is not deflection? I have found in my lifetime those who have a wealth of "filters" and or "regurgitate ill thoughts," that is noting more than deflection or over compensation. I too am not above allowing others to show me my short comings. However, there are ways in which to get through to me in a positive supportive manners rather than barking at me. It is never okay for someone to voice anything in anger, much less that of inappropriate anger.

I can see that you are in a very vulnerable place right now. However I wasn't sent here to hurt you. I was sent to offer my hand and walk with you. Thus, onward we walk; all the while learning. Today you had mentioned that you weren't sure how you felt about having a mentor a few years your junior. Although I know your only kidding, but I truly don't feel that I am your mentor at all. I too am learning. I am not teaching you anything that you didn't already know. I am merely pointing them out and bring them to the forefront. Time is a great healer of open wounds. Being broken and or vulnerable is nothing to be ashamed of. I probably wouldn't go as far as to say that it isn't an unattractive quality, as it is what makes us humans. However, I agree that it is probably something I wouldn't want the world to know. There are those out there that feed off vulnerability, but not myself.

I think we are all better in person than via the internet. As I agree with you that it is easier for people to best understand and relate in person. I think I am better received in person as I am a very expressive person. I can find interesting ways in which to show my love, devotion, generosity, friendship and as you say…. my concern in person; not to mention I too find it much easier. I would hope others read me better in person. The internet seemingly leaves that gaping hole that sometimes creates miss-reads or miss interpretations'. I am one who needs the five senses in my relationships. I need to have touch, I need to see body language, I need to feel the love, I need to hear it in their tone of voice, I need to taste it; I need these things. They are the things that help guide my relationships. However, with you when we talk it is as if I can see you before me; as if I can see you clearly, see your body language see your facial expressions. It gives me a strange sense of truly knowing the real you. I am very much enjoying getting to know the inner you and creating a strong foundation for whatever relationship we are creating together.

It is about time that I finally met someone that I can have an open dialogue with. It is about time that I finally met someone who doesn't mind talking…..someone that I don't have to pull the conversation out of. It seems I always find those who say that they aren't afraid to talk, but it seems all they want is to a) either talk about themselves, b) talk when they feel like it, c) talk about any and everything else than about what matters most. So, I don't mind you talking really. I quite enjoy it. It is at this point in my life I am learning how to truly listen. It is now that I am learning to allow others to talk or not(and be ok with it)…..and just be quiet and listen to the sounds. I don't think the need to be heard is a bad thing at all. I feel it means you need to feel loved and heard with an open heart/soul. Honestly, there isn't one thing you could tell me that would be seen as too much information or unwanted information…..at all…..quite the contrary. I want to get to know the inner you and all that, that entails.

You never loose your knowingness you have only stopped listening to your inner self. There are always tail tail signs. There are pre cursors and warning sings. I must say that you have to be thankful you learned this now about Miss. Harvard now and not 5 or 10 years from now…. right? I too tell myself that I don't need others, but the truth is that I do to an extent. I couldn't allow others in to love me until I loved myself. I can't say that even I am there yet, but I am well on my journey. Most days I only feel like I am miles away then there are moments like this one right now writing this letter that maybe I can see the vague outline of the finish line and all its glory just a few short miles ahead and every step I take is one less step I have left to take to make it there. I will make it there one day and maybe sooner than I first thought. I would have to agree with you I wish we could see our own potential as clearly as we can see others, but I guess that all goes back to perception and vantage point. You stated you want to get to a place where you can love who you are………why is it you don't love who you are now? It is only because you are weak; that you can not see?

We are all impatient. I don't feel that this has anything to do with age. I believe it is something we feel with the soul. Although I can relate; I know I am a few years your junior however, I can relate to feeling as though life is passing me by. That the days, months, years are just passing by so fast and I too don't want to spend one more day without "her." However, I believe there is still more than enough time for both of us. Because, "she" will make every moment count. One moment with "her" would be well worth the wait.

"To the world you may be one person, but to her you maybe the world."-unkown.

I too loose faith from time to time. However, I always regain in time my positive outlook on life. Sometimes I have to loose myself to know that I am found. There is still so much to do and so little time, sometimes it can seem overwhelming, but I still have my faith.

As far as organized religion……I believe in everything. I don't think there is a wrong or a right way. I believe in God. However, choose to live the Buddhist life style. I truly believe we are all working in this master plan together.

I loved the Don Juan de Marco thoughts of a single star splitting in heaven and the two pieces falling to earth, only to be reunited by the ocean's currents and earth's magnetism. I loved this thought process. I do fully believe in love at first sight. However, I also believe in lust as well. Often the two come from very similar, but two very different places. One comes from the brain and the other from the soul. Which one is most meaningful……….the one from the soul….or so I believe. I do believe whole heartedly in soul mates. I believe there are many forms of these though. There are those twin soul mates who are meant to be friends for life………(this one I have yet to find as well,) and the soul mate in which I was put on this earth to find. It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between those who are sent to us in preparation of the one and the proverbial "her," but each relationship along the way prepare us for "her." I guess God feels I still have a few more things in which to learn before I am fully prepared for "her," thus I am opening my eyes wider and making my heart softer in order to best receive the lessons in which I am to learn.

I am so very sorry to hear of your move and loss. I am very sorry to hear you lost a job you had so much passion for. However, it seems you needed the change as it led you to something new. Do whatever it is that moves you…..follow your passion. I understand all too well what it feels like to only be a cog in the wheel. It is not a life for most. It is hard sometimes to feel that sense of accomplishment. Hell this is something I struggle with now in EMS as well. But I will find my passion as will you.


I am so glad that I did not scare you off….and that you are not scared off easily. I have to admit I am habitual "scarer offer"…..lol. I tend to be more real and honest than most people can handle. It is often both a blessing and a curse.


I can definitely relate to and understand your personal struggle. I think everyone in life has hard knocks and or bruises'. We all come with baggage. We all fall down at some point. Sometimes all we need is a hand to be offered to help us up and other times we need to get up all on our own. However, everything in life is a choice. It isn't about what you have lived through or experienced, but rather about the "journey." Its about the choices you made and what you learned from them. That is what is so fascinating about life and even about love.

When it comes to women especially on the internet it is hard to read through, pardon the expression, the bullsh**. It is often hard to tell exactly who is here for what. Who is here to inflate their popularity list or who is here for the" real deal." However, I think sometimes upon further inspection the answers make themselves apparent. The answers always seem to find the light and make themselves evident. However, it is up to us to hear and believe the answers in which we seek. All too often we hear them and see them and yet choose to ignore them. This is something I have struggled my whole life with. I am someone who can read people well……all too well. I can easily read someone's body language, the words in which they choose to speak, the tone and reflection in their voice and most importantly their eyes. I know more in five min than most know about themselves in a lifetime. This I have recently come to embrace, but all to often it has been my personal curse. I can know in the first meeting weather a date will eventually become a relationship or just that a date. I have a hard time once my heart is involved not to be blinded by the false hopes.

I just recently came out of a three year relationship filled with false hopes and promises. As I knew in year one it wasn't going to make it, but yet I held on. I held on, bc I knew what she was becoming and what she will eventually become; was a wonderful woman. However, that just isn't enough for me anymore. I am tired of raising a wonderful wife for someone else. I feel like it is my time now. When is our maker going to send the preverbal "her" to me? Thus, I can understand why a bright light can very easily get dimmed or even blown out. However, It goes back to choices. I choose to live and learn. The old saying goes what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. So I walk with my head held high and I am not looking for "her." When my maker thinks I am ready he will place "her" in the right place at the right moment. So everything I have done and will do until she arrives is only in preparation for the right one. I have been very studious and have done my research and had much preparation lol….what about you? Lol. I am kidding. But seriously if all the others felt somewhat right then think of what the right one will feel like. I can only imagine what she will be like. However, I wont waste my time daydreaming of her. I want her to be my biggest surprise. As I know our maker has a crazy sense of humor and she will be nothing of what I had dreamed of anyway…..lol.

I do agree with you. As I stated before, that people are placed in our lives for certain reason at specific times. Sometime is because we have much to learn form them, others is, because we have much to learn about ourselves. We are merely pawns in the big game of life. However, your right often times than not that the gift is the hardest lesson. I know all to often I haven't trusted my gut. But who is really at fault them; for not being trustable or reliable, or us for not trusting and believing in ourselves. Maybe that was the lesson. You just never know. All I know is that every time these type of people walk in or out of my life I try to remind myself that there is something that I am suppose to learn here to open my eyes a little wider. So thus it brings me to my point, always trust your judgment, bc it is always right; as the problem lies with your ability to do something constructive with the answers it gives you. Although most lessons aren't positive and or exciting ones however, they play a major part in helping us develop into the person that we are meant to become.

Which brings me to the meat and potatoes of your this email. I am so sorry this email is quite lengthy as it seems I have a lot more to say on the subject; more than even I expected. It is a noble thing for you to care enough about those around you that you feel the need to self evaluate as to put the most truthful face forward. Are lives are constantly changing so are the relationships in which we keep. So it says a lot about who you are at the core.

I believe life/love can be as easy as taking someone's outstretched hand and walking together. It is about finding the right person at the right moments in life in which to walk with. All you have to do is to take ones hand and just walk. So it is now that I offer my hand to you…The only thing to be decided at this point is are you ready…….? Life is all about choices. So would you like to take my hand ? Would you like to walk with me awhile? I can and will promise you this; If you choose to take my hand and walk with me I will never walk a step ahead and will never fall behind. I will always walk by your side.

So now that I have written a not so well written novel……what do you think? What is on your mind? Please do tell me a little more about yourself. I would love to know: Is this your career? Is this what you always wanted to do? If you could move to anywhere in the world where would it be and why? If you could move anywhere state side where would it be and why? If you could die and come back as an animal what would it be and why? What are your hopes, dreams, aspirations (in life, love and career)? Where are u headed in life? What drives you? Tell me more about where you live?…….lord I could go on for days prob.

Where I would live? If I had my choice anywhere in the world I would choose Thailand or Hawaii. Only bc I feel drawn to places such as these. If I where to choose somewhere state side; I would have to choose North Carolina. I also feel a draw there as well. I find that the romantic cancer inside of me draws me seaward. I can't feel at ease without a large body of water. I am drawn to the sea as it calls out my name. It beckons me closer. NC has a little of everything. I love the outdoors. I love to hike, white water raft, and repel etc. etc. etc. …Thus, I feel that this just might be the best fit for me. I love the south and its charm not to mention all my family and friends are all in the southeast so I think that NC just might be my best fit, but I am open to other possibilities.

I was born in Augusta GA. Although I have lived and visited many other places at different times in my life, I think it is just about time to start biding my a dues. However, I just bought my first home here in North Augusta just a few short months ago. I figured I needed to stop wasting my time and money on rental properties. Thus, I will remain here until I am done with school or at least that is the plan for now, but I am open to whatever life throws at me.

Never be afraid…………and never be afraid of expressing your weakness either. If I did live closer I would gladly join you for dinner r for coffee. I think we would have a great time. Ok this has gone from just a friendly little letter to a deep novel so I will finally call it a night. I will leave you time to breathe and digest all that I have said and written and will patiently await your next correspondence. I wish you well. I wish you a wonderful evening my darling. I hope to hear from you soon.

Namaste,
Crissy




From moment one you changed me. You set out to touch me in ways I had never even imagined possible. You set out to steal away my heart and well......you did just that. I knew from the moment our eyes met that you would forever change me and that my life would never be the same. The first kiss was so special; I remember us pushing through so that we could share it in a way that our grandchildren could be proud of our story........if only we knew how the story really ends. For once in my life I got to feel what home really feels like, as I found home in your arms. I only wish I could have stayed for a life time. However, it is better to of loved and loss then to never loved at all.

I meant every word I have ever spoken to you. You are one very amazing, beautiful, and special woman. You are going to make some lucky woman so very happy; I had only hoped that, that woman was me. I meant what I said to you as I hugged your neck as we said goodbye. It was that very moment that I whispered to you that I loved you for the first time.......I knew in that moment that I would love you and carry you with me from that day forward until the day I am no longer able to remain on this earth. It was in this moment I gave you that as my gift from me to you all without expectations. I have always loved you and still do even now all without expectations. You do not have to feel the same, however I still love you even now and always will. Maybe one day you will see me as I am and come back to me, but then again maybe you wont. However, I will always carry you deep within my soul. I gave something to you that I have never given before and might never give again; I gave you my soul.


*Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.* Maybe one day you will see me as I am, still loving you and one day return to me and if you don't then always know your forever in my heart n' soul.