I normally do not air my thoughts, but it seems I must express to the world what is that I am thinking and feeling right now in this moment. I am not sure what to truly think of this new vulnerable state, as it is something I never really share with most. Maybe this will become a regular thing..........hell it may turn out to be very helpful and therapeutic for me....who knows we shall see.
I must stop here and input a disclaimer: This blog is not intended to hurt anyone or place blame. I am not negating my culpability in matters either. As it is merely my thoughts and feelings in this moment. I have never set out with any malice or forethought to hurt anyone for any reason. My one goal in life has always been to be authentic (true to not only others, but also to myself) and to be good to those around me ("doing unto others as I would want done unto me.") and by doing so I would reap the rewards of a positive life. I truly believe in Karma......you get out of life what you put into it. If you are good to others then in return they will be good to you.........However, it is now that I begin to question that very concept.
See I am on a journey; one of self discovery. I guess it is one much like that of a 12 step program. It is now that I must attend to the past hurts and pains in order to move forward in a more positive direction. It is now that I must air my dirty laundry, attend to those still ripe open wounds, cut my losses, and onto those who have hurt me in the past and continue to do so even now. I can not move forward until I truly understand, accept, and forgive. However, I must say I will never forget, but it is acceptance in which I seek now; not from them, but from myself. I am beginning my journey of becoming a peaceful warrior. (I am a huge Dan Millman fan; so forgive me as you might see his work quoted throughout my blogs.)
As Dan Millman put it best:
"Happiness, or Spirit, surrounds us and permeates every cell of our being. We only feel this inspiration in rare moments, however, because of internal obstructions in our body, mind, and emotions. The way of the peaceful warrior directly confronts and clears these internal obstructions so we can feel the happiness that is our natural birthright."
"As peaceful warriors, we strive to travel the paths of life with courageous spirits, but we recognize that true healing ultimately comes from the heart. We realize that we help to shape our lives, and that by changing ourselves we can change the world in which we live in."
"The time is now."
"A young man had spent five arduous years searching for truth. One day, as he walked up into the foothills of a great mountain range, he saw an old man approach from above, walking down the path, carrying a heavy sack on his back. He sensed that this old man had been to the mountaintop; he had finally found one of the wise-one who could answer his heart's deepest questions.
"Please, Sir," he asked "Tell me the meaning of enlightenment."
the old man smiled, and stopped. Then, fixing his gaze on the youth, he slowly swung the heavy burden off his back, laid the sack down, and stood up straight.
"Ah, I understand." the young man replied. "But, Sir, what comes after enlightenment?"
the Old Man took a deep breath, then swung the heavy sack over his shoulder and continued on his way."
"I am looking forward to looking back on this." Sandra Knell
"Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking only to find out it is God who is shaking them." Anonymous
"Life can be hard and dangerous; those who seek happiness may find sorrow; those who seek peace may find strife; those who seek love may find disappointment. Joy comes to those who do not fear solitude. Life comes to those not afraid to die.
and the last but not least portion of this disclaimer.........Probably the most important quote that will give you understanding of where it is that i am coming from.
The Bluebird's Lesson
One chilly autumn day, as thousands of birds took wing and flew south to escape the approaching winter, one little bluebird decided he wasn't leaving with the rest, "A waste of time; he resoned. "After all, I'll just have to fly all the way back again next spring." Soon, however, a record cold spell descended upon the land, and the little bird realized he would have to leave. He winged his way up into the sky, but soon the icy air overcame him, his little wings froze, and he plummeted out of the sky. As fortune would have it, his lifeless body landed in a large haystack, then fell onto the hard earth of a barnyard, near a group of cows.
Just as the little blubird's heart, nearly frozen, was about to stop, a cow happened by and relieved itself directly over the little bird. The warm manure covered the bird, saving his life; his little heart started beating strongly and his wings thawed out. Happy to be alive, the bluebird began to sing a beautiful song, which as fate allowed, attracted the attention of the barnyard cat, who padded over looked through the manure, found the little bird, and promtly ate him.
This story ends with two morals;
1) Not everyone who dumps on us is necessarily our enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets us out of the mess is necessarily our friend.
I have been sitting here over this past few hours feeling more alone than I ever have in my entire life. I have been so strong for so many people in my life, for so long. I have never really noticed just how much of the burden I have carried for years. I never really knew how much I let it own me. I had almost forgotten how it is to really hurt as I haven't really allowed myself to feel it in years. I have always been the one who no matter what was happening around me I could hold my head high, pick myself and those around me up by the boot straps and look to a brighter day tomorrow. Because inevitably tomorrow was going to be a better day. As a wonderful woman once told me her father use to say to her "the sun will always rise again tomorrow, " that "this too shall pass."
However, it is now in this moment the tears fall like rain. They first began to trickle; silently falling one by one, as I sit here in quiet reflections of my life as it was, is and how it could be.........then here comes the pouring rain. Now they are seemingly falling without discourse. So forgive me as I begin this very vulnerable journey.
So where do I begin............I guess at the beginning......right.......... I know we all have our own tragic stories in which to tell, but here is a little of mine. I have lived a very long hard life. Even though 28 years is seemingly short; I have lived more in 28 years than most have at 50. I have been forced to grow well beyond my years at such an early age. Yet I have had some really remarkable, wonderful, amazing things happen to me over the years, it seems more often than not, I have not been able to live the life I feel I have been destined for. I have lived a life filled with disappointments, misjudgments, abuse (both mentally, physically, & sexually,) hurt, pain, tears, & a many of lonely nights. Every time I feel I am making progress in the world I take 5 steps forward only to fall 10 steps back. Thus, I will tell you a little about my journeys that make me who I am today. They are what made me, but not define me.
At the early age of 6mo. my father left my mother for reasons still unknown. According to my mother it was bc I (Cristina Dawn De L'Aigle) am not a boy. She use to say......He left bc she could not bear him a son. A short year and a half later my mother then married a man to whom I now call my dad bc he is truly the only real dad I have ever known. I will not get into specifics of some of the things that happened between the ages of 1-17 as I will not call my family out on the wrongs in which they have done. It is here that I protect them as I know they didn't sign up for it to be placed in a public forum. However, they know who they are and what they have done. They know they will have to live each day knowing the hurt and pains in which they caused. It is here even now I hold dignity and respect for them when they did not necessarily show me any. It is even now I feel I am still a victim as I am still protecting them. When will this cycle stop.....
When I was five years old my mother found out that she was diagnosed with a heart condition in which she would need to receive a pacemaker to help her heart to function properly.The pacemaker was set into place to keep her heart pumping when it would over work itself or coax it to beat when it would stop. By six & seven my mother had some near misses and some two or three surgeries. Living day to day not knowing if mom was going to make it. Wow, what an horrible thing for a child to have to think about at five, six, and seven years of age about her mother.
Backing up slightly at the ripe age of six a school psychologists felt I wasn't doing very well. I was having emotional outburst at school (crying at the drop of a hat.) She felt I wasn't coping with some things that was happening or rather that had happened and that I needed to go see a psychologist for testing. After the results were in I was immediately removed from regular classes and placed in special education class as I was officially diagnosed with an emotional disorder or so they called it back then (early 80's). They felt that I would need to go into some progressive therapy's' as soon as possible. Thus, I was forced to see a psychologists several times a week until they felt I was ready for the world again. However, I was never allowed to return back to regular classes with the normal kids.
At the age of eight or nine my dad's step father passed away of cirrhosis of the liver from being an avid alcoholic. He left behind his wife.......(my dad's mother) with Alzheimer's and dementia. My dad had made her a promise many years prior to this........... When she was first diagnosed with the disease........She asked that my dad never place her in a nursing home; to allow her the dignity of dying at home in her bed. Thus, my dad being who he is "a man of his word," did as requested. We quickly up-rooted our lives to move in with her, to take care of her. When we entered the home she was walking and talking (not full sentences, but understandable nonetheless "checking checking so good so good the way the way the way there" she use to say; all the while pointing to her broom. Knowing she wanted to go sweep the yard.) Anyhow, we took care of her until she regressed back to the fetal position; forgetting how to swallow and breathe on her own. We took care of her in home til she later passed away some ten years later. For this 10 years period I was required to come straight home releive the nurses aid and take over duties. It was during this time that I learned to be the provider the parent. As I was a parent to a child some 60 years my senior. It was during these formative years that I learned how to rely on no one, but myself (to get things done). It was during this time that I learned to be responsible. As all my friends were going out, hanging out, getting drunk, getting high, running away from home, having dates, general child's play.............all the while I was responsible for feedings, bath times, suctioning lungs, and just generalized care. So while my friends were enjoying their youth; mine was filled with responsibilities. In my eyes it was about someones life or death. It was up to me to be the bigger person and do what was right. Surly, I could have gone and done those same things, but who would be there for Nonnie? Who would be there to feed here while mom and dad where gone? Oh, that's right no one.
Now please, do not take my harsh tone as one of resentment. I loved my Nonnie and I took care of her as best I knew how, as I feel sure my parents did as well. I know they did the best they could with what had been handed them. I loved singing to her. helping her play the piano. Some of my fondest of memories include just her and I. Oh how she loved me to fix her hair. I would sit for hours primping and preening her and making her laugh with each new discovery of a new tool I would pick up.....oh how she loved it. I still to this day remember her smile and God her beautiful laugh. It is amazing all that you loose with a disease such as that, but the things that remain the same ie; her laugh just showed me she was still in there somewhere, just a tad bit lost. She was still a soul in that decaying shell. So I would sit and re-discover the world all over again.....again and again through her eyes. I discovered the world through the eyes of that of a 60 year old child.
However, during this time while taking her to get her hair done at the salon; my mother and I were trying to get her back in the tahoe. She being defiant at that point in her regression, was not wanting to get in, she didn't want to leave. We were trying to coax her in when my mother tried to help her up into the truck she hurt her back. Of course with back injuries she didn't know it right away, however felt is days later. My mother has had some five to seven back surgeries since then.....not sure exact ally how many.. at this point. All the while I feel slightly guilty. I feel if I had tried just a little harder or just helped just a little more my mother wouldn't have had to suffer from the horrible pain that this created. Now, I know it wasn't my fault, and I know there is nothing I could have done differently, but the guilt is still in there.
It was about this time in life somewhere around 12 or 13 that I met T.J. A little fellow down the road that I would later come to call my brother; my friend.
It was about this time that I began fighting against the norm.......I was no longer happy being classified as one of those "retards." Because remember I was in those special ed classes. It was at this time that I wanted to show just how smart of a child I had always been, but no one had bothered to even notice........I was just "special" and I mean not in a good way. I had heard about a local High school called A.R.Johnson Engineering and Health Science Magnet school and I wanted to go way above the norm and show off just how far advanced I truly was. It almost took an act of congress to get me in the doors just to take the examinations. However, four exams, ACT, SAT and four interviews later I got in..........I GOT IN........I was smart.....see everyone.....oh, but no one really noticed or really too much cared.
By my freshman year my first love...........Curtis Baptist....... was killed in a tragic accident on HWY 56 while on his way to see me on a wet rainy Friday night. Less than a year later another guy I dated was slain in a drive by..........less than three months later one of my best friends growing up Melanie Richey was killed after sneaking out of the house to go to a party I was suppose to attend......but wasn't able to bc no one was home that night to watch my Nonnie...........she was escorted out of the party by a friend who then took her out into the foot hills of McCormick South Carolina where she was beaten, raped and then as if that wasn't enough the three guys whom I knew well........took back off into the woods and carried her half lifeless body to a desolate place............... with her barely hanging onto life placed a pipe bomb in her mouth and left her to die alone.
If that was not tragedy enough in a life filled with them.....less than two months later T.J.'s father passed in a tragic accident. T.J.'s father oh what a wonderful man. He was more a father to me than my own was to me. Always wanting me to be apart of the family. Taking me on all the family vacations including me in Sunday suppers. He died in a tragic accident involving an EZ-Go truck's back door bolt malfunctioning; it cut loose and the door along with all of it's contents fell on top of him. It was sudden and so very tragic. I remember holding a consoling T.J. as we laid his father to rest that day. I remember giving the silent salute in the navy R.O.T.C. uniform after presenting him and his mother with the flag from his fathers casket.
T.J's mother then decided that after a few short week after his fathers passing; that she didn't like T.J. anymore and kicked him out. T.J. then stayed with us and the Foster's and became part of the family.
After a few short years and changing high schools after realizing I was normal and not in need of special ed. I wanted to live a normal life just like all the other kids in the neighborhood. I wanted the football games, cheer leading, flag line, basketball games, rowing, I wanted proms, dances, boyfriends (or so I thought)........So I changed to Westside high which is where I finally graduated. I spent most of high school as a nomad. Not really fitting in perfectly with any one group. It is now as an adult I realize just how far beyond my years I really was at that time in my life. I pride myself on the fact that I got along with everyone and made no enemies. I was nice even then to those who were not nice to me. I hung out with a few from each and every group/class/race/sport/ etc etc.
What is so sad is that there were some 20 of us that always hung out and were so close, and now over half of them are dead; of tragic accidents. One was killed after a drug overdoes, another over a drug deal gone a rye tied to a tree beaten and shot 4 times, another two by a tragic car accident, another died after having a seizure and falling into a trash can and dying of suffocation, two more died in the war........(went to fight and came home in body bags), I lost T.J. my brother a few short years ago to leukemia at the age of 21 after a long hard battle to stay alive and fight......., then the latest tragedy Bobby Foster died of a tragic heart attack at the age of 28 just a few short months ago......still too fresh I think. I can't even find the words in which to write his wife or his mother.......I still can't believe it. It's all crazy.... While the other half of us still among the living don't or rather won't talk to each other. It is like we are all pretending it didn't ever happen. It was never a rare thing to see one person and see five others quickly follow. You would never see less than three of us together at anyone time......however, most often there were at least five to ten of use always together. What happened to us? How do we find each other again?
By the age of 18 I was wanting to runaway to find a better life...........I thought I had met the end all be all...........I will call him Allen. It was at this time the world was my oyster or so I thought. I married Allen merely one week to the day after turning 18. We quickly moved into his apartment and a few short days after returning home from our honeymoon he was fired from his job and we had no way in which to pay the rent. We quickly found a job that would allow us to remain in the same home together and preform the job at the same time. We became Personal Care Home Managers...........yeah right. It was back to doing what I knew best; back to taking care of the elderly.......feedings, cleanings, baths, entertaining etc. It seemed to work for a while. Until Allen and I began to have marital problems. He and I fought on a Friday and by Wednesday the U-Hual was packed and he was dropping me off at my mothers door step with nothing. He had joined the Marines......I was dropped at the door step like trash. He left me that day and got on a bus....I didn't know where he was going or when or if I was going to ever see him again. I didn't hear from him for months. Then the letter came "if you do not hear from me in the next few months be expecting divorce papers in the mail, bc I don't know how I feel about you anymore or about us." he said.
I sat there in complete disbelief. I wasn't about to wait for him to figure it out and leave me anyway.......so what did I do. I went back to dating a guy I dated in high school off and on.....I will call him Jayden. We hit it off pretty well. It was like getting back on a bike after not riding for a long while. He told me he loved me and wanted nothing but me..........however, i could never really get past his cheating ways of high school. I didn't think I could ever really trust him.......so I began to question things. Which led me to a time in which I was starting to realize my sexuality wasn't quite what it should be.......not normal.....I liked the girls, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't truly sure, bc I didn't have it in me to cross paths with God to have to explain this one. Anyhow a few short weeks after coming to this realization later I got the infamous letter from Allen. "I love you. I am so sorry; I want to make things work between us if you will give me one more chance." Well I too am a woman of my word and I promised him forever in front of our family and friends. So of course I promptly wrote him back to re-kindle the old flames. Nonetheless the next few years were filled with lies, deceitfulness, and heart break. It didn't end very well. It ended with me in a hospital room not being able to feel from my nipple line to my toes, it was filled with the realities of his unfaithfulness, Iv's, lots of tears, tales of PID and the possibilities that I would never bear any children, and cervical cancer.
Leading out of this tragedy into another. It was at that time I met a wonderful girl I now call my closest friend...........I will call her Ally. Ally is the one who took me to the hospital that day. She sat patiently by my bed side with tears in her eyes for me, a complete stranger. She is the one who took me home, carried me in the house, helped me pick up the pieces of my shattered life, she bathed me, clothed and fed me for a month. She is the one who held me as my heart was breaking. I remember her laying there holding me in her arms wishing she could take the pain away. She was then and even is now a strong motivator in my life. It took me a long while, but we ended up together for close to three years. We had our shares of hardships.....we had our fights as all couples do. We were broke and we had money.....we had lies and pain too. It wasn't always roses, but we tried to make the most of it. Our tragic end didn't come swift; It came long and slow. It ended in harsh words, cut phones cords, cut fuel lines, TPO's, Cops and court cases and one huge fight. How horrible...............God I am so glad that she and I see that we were always meant to be........ just not together. We have been far better friends than we were ever lovers. She is an amazing woman and there is still so much to learn from and with her. I love you my ALLEY.......you know who you are. Grape Ape.
Then there was T.J.'s death...........wow....now that hit me hard..Probably the worst thing to date. He was my heart and he was certainly my soul. I feel a huge part of me died along with him. I have never had a true friend before or since him. He was the only one who understood me perfectly. He was my staff; he was my rock. He is still sadly missed and I still miss him today. I think of him often and usually can't help it when the tears fall when I hear his favorite songs; especially "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts.
It pains me to know I will never have a friend like that again. It seems I can't find nor keep true friends these days. I have a lot of people in my life now who like to call themselves my friends, but they aren't. They are only here for the numbers, or for their own selfish gain. I am always an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on; but where is everyone when I need someone?????????? So I have no one, but T.J. .....I talk to him right over my right shoulder right where he promised he would be as if he were here standing like he always did with his chin on my shoulder. He is all I have left........beyond the friendships that are now being made and mended with my ex's..............That is all I have and it seems so it will remain.
Then there was.....I will call her Joyce.... she and I have marched an even further road. She is all I could ever imagined wanting until I learned of the "lie." I gave her the opportunities in which to correct the lie she had told. I can understand it was one in which she told as I understand......she told only because she thought that one harmless lie to some girl she thought would be a one date wonder ended up being a three year relationship. Who would have knew......However, I gave her ample opportunity and she choose not to change it until it was too late. Thus, I had to let her go. Our relationship now is one being rebuilt by time and healing of wounds. She too is an incredibly amazing woman in which there is much to still learn. It was hard letting go of her, but it was needed for her and I to grow.
Then there was......I will call her Jackie......she and I had a long three years. It was three years filled with hope and promise. Ones filled with laughter and so much pain. We built a home together. I threw away all the "second toasters" for her bc she was it for me. She was the one I was giving my all to. She was the one I could never walk away from. She was the one I was going to have my children with, within the next two years. She was the one I thought about often when she wasn't near, the one I loved, honored, and cherished. She is the one I divulged all my worldly secrets too. She knew it all. I bared my soul to her. I gave all that I had........and she took and took and took. Like that of a tick on it's host. Now don't get me wrong she didn't mean to. Hell, I did the same things at her age, as we all did. But, you know that taking I didn't mind it was the lying I couldn't bare. After knowing all that I had been through there wasn't much that I asked of her when entering into the relationship with her. All I ever asked is PLEASE don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal, and don't do drugs. I didn't think that was too much to ask, but obviously I was wrong.
This one is still fresh so forgive me if I sound harsh in anyway. I just don't understand how one can stand in front of you and say I love you over and over again and say you mean the world to me and lie to me. To me that just doesn't make sense. I feel that if she ever really cared, if she really ever loved me; she would have never done the very thing she knew all the others had done to me before her. How can this be.......I mean how can you love someone and lie to them, then expect them to believe you. how.....how......how. I don't understand.
Now I come to find out that she is falling for a friend of ours. The very friend I saw her falling for months before we even bought our home. The one all of our so-called friends said they would look good together and everyone laughed at my expense................the very one who suddenly withdrew from us right before we broke up and was no where to be found. Then after we break up all the sudden re-appears and talks only to Jackie. Late night texts, e-mails, phone calls, planned dates (weather they happened or not.) Then I write her.............I will call her Kathy............... a letter asking why the turmoil? why was she withdrawing from me. Had I done something wrong?
I didn't ever want our friends to choose between Jackie and I. I never wanted them to be faced with having to choose. But everyone gravitates to Jackie.......am I a bad person.........what did I do? or is it bc I am not cute enough? What did I do to deserve this; being left all alone? Why did they choose her friendship over my own?
I never heard back from Kathy for months until I ran into her in a club and she felt forced to apologize to smooth out the waters. She even went as far as making a lunch date with me. I thought to myself prior to the lunch date; man maybe she really is sorry, maybe she made a mistake, but her excuses weren't making sense to me. Then it dawned on me maybe she wants my okay or my permission to date Jackie.........oh ok...........so I went and nothing. It was a very nice lunch shared between two friends, but something still felt awkward about it. Until today........I was right all along. Kathy and Jackie made out last night and both want to smooth out the waters with me bc they want to "possibly" see one another. They want my approval so they wont feel bad. I am not sure what to think about this. I am truly hurt by it. Now, I don't want anyone to think I am mad......bc I am really not. I really do think they are well suited for one another. I think they can provide each other what each needs that the other has. I think they would be a wonderful couple. I say that not in any kind of sarcastic tone. I truly do. It just hurts bc I feel as though I have been kept in the dark for so long, even if this is new or not. It hurts to sit across from someone who has hidden agendas or lies by omission. It hurts.
Don't get me wrong I have had my share of indiscretions here lately and those I will have to live with. Jackie and I broke up at the end of December first of January, but it still stings. I know my traipsing around in infatuation has probably hurt Jackie, but at least the person I was talking to was some 900 miles away. I mean I wasn't throwing it in her face, and now what am I faced with...........to watch someone else do what I couldn't for Jackie. Watch someone else play my role. I know Jackie and I aren't meant for one another; harsh, but true. I have known that for sometime now , but to have it smashed in my face stings a little. I don't want people lying or being fake to me anymore. I will not allow it PERIOD.
All of the above is true statements and events live by only myself....they are my truths, my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings and my perceptions only. These are only a very select few of the things in which I have managed to live through.
I hate to sound so selfish........but when is it going to be my time. I think I have lived through enough, to deserve a good life now. I have weathered enough storms to earn my rainbow. I guess God thinks not. So I guess it is now I shut my mouth, open my ears, and soften my heart for the next few blows of the next few lessons. Maybe just maybe I will find it along my broken road. Now don't get me wrong I am a glass half full thinker/ philosopher. I like to think that all of these things have mad me who I am. These events in my life have made me stronger for the journey. So it is now I start learning how to drop the loads and walk to path ALONE.........this is a journey for one for a long while.......I am hurt and I need to heal.
Well I know this one was a long one. But it is what I need to do for myself. Hell, I feel sure not many will care enough to even open it, muchness read it is it's entirety. However, I said what I felt and I needed to right now. I feel sure at some other time I will share some more. However, I need to walk away now. Thank you for those of you who are true to me. Those of you who truly care enough to weather the storms with me. It is you; few that will make it into the next phase of my life and all others will be cut as dead weight. I need not carry them and their loads on my back as my own. So it is now that I learn to pick back up my bag and throw it back over my shoulder. I thank you.
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